


said you'd always be my white blood

by bpddennis



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Religious Conflict, Toxic Relationships, good old gay ending, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12323106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpddennis/pseuds/bpddennis
Summary: dennis and mac and the progression of their mess of a relationship.





	said you'd always be my white blood

**Author's Note:**

> this is so messy, but i'm macdennis trash so here you go

the first time dennis kisses mac, he is 18. he is stoned, and tired, and he's thrown up three times tonight.  
mac notes how disgusting the kiss is; one reason being that he can taste the sick bile in dennis' mouth. the other reason being that he cannot stop thinking about how much he'll have to pray to be freed from the sins of dennis' tongue.  
the first time dennis kisses mac, its his last night in town before he heads to college. he wishes he could take mac with him but he knows he doesn't deserve something good like that.  
the first time dennis kisses mac, he doesn't know where to put his hands. they're sitting side by side on his bed and dennis simply leans over to attach their lips together. he feels mac freeze, he feels the world freeze, he feels every single god damn thing on the planet freeze. and dennis swears that in that still moment, he can still feel them falling into hell. 

the first time dennis kisses mac, dennis believe in love. he thinks that maybe one day, him and mac can have it all. they can be disgusting and dirty and happy and do whatever they want to. dennis can kiss mac wherever he wants and maybe then, maybe when they're older, he'll know where to put his hands. 

the first time dennis kisses mac, he's terrified. it's the first time he realizes that he has fears. it's the first time he considers what it would feel like to really lose someone.  
and he can't lose mac. not for a second. 

when dennis pulls away, the sun is either setting or rising and he can't find the energy to care. his eyelids feel heavy as mac looks back at him. he can see god in mac's pupils.  
when dennis leaves for college, mac stays in the shower for what feels like days, just trying to scrub and clean away what he can. he thanks every god on the planet that dennis didn't put his hands all over him. he thanks god that the only sin to come in contact with mac is dennis' lips.  
in the shower, mac thinks soap tastes better than dennis' mouth. 

 

[2005]

dennis should stop smoking. he sees the irritation scattering mac's face whenever he puffs smoke from his chapped lips.  
"bro, can you like, not do that right in my face?" mac groans, without looking up, as he mindlessly cleans behind the bar. 

"can you actually clean the bar instead of sweeping the same spot on the floor fifteen times?" dennis retorts, taking another huff from his cigarette. mac rolls his eyes and tosses the broom up against the wall.  
"honestly, dude, why do we always have to close up? i wanna sleep too; charlie and dee aren't special. i deserve sleep!"  
dennis wants to call mac dramatic but can't help the small grin that creeps to his lips in agreement. 

"exactly, mac, which is why i'm havin' a smoke on a stool currently, and i'm not bothering to sweep up our disgusting floor which is most likely plagued with aids."  
mac lets out a breathy laugh.  
"yeah, man. screw closing up. and aids."  
"and besides," dennis begins, as mac comes around the bar to stand next to him. "there are some benefits to us closing the bar every time, mac."  
mac raises an eyebrow, arms crossed. 

dennis has a way of unraveling all of mac's thoughts with one specific look. and the look he gives mac in that moment is enough to turn mac inside out; has a way to make mac feel a way he felt the night before dennis left for college. a sinful feeling, full of lust and hope and longing. that look, dennis' eyes dark and his cigarette burning in his dainty fingers. 

the pool table then becomes a temple for mac to worship dennis' body. it forces him to forget that he's a bad person, he's a guilty person, and he deserves to burn. every time dennis' mouth attaches to his neck, he feels fire seeping into his bloodline. he feels the devil digging through his chest and building a home in mac's body. 

it is routine now. it is routine for mac and dennis to pretend to give a shit about closing the bar correctly, and it is routine for the two of them to end up half naked on the pool table, or in the back office, cheeks fire red, and satisfied. mac always ends up feeling the sins flow out of his mouth into dennis', or maybe the other way around. 

"do you believe in god?" mac asks one night. dennis is sitting up on the pool table, throwing his t-shirt back on. 

"fuck that shit. do you?" dennis inquires, not really caring about what mac believes as he runs two hands through his matted hair, trying to salvage it. 

"i think so. i mean, i do. don't you think it's important to have something to like, save you?" mac is still laying on the pool table, hands behind head. 

"who fucking cares, dude? at the end of the day, we're all going to hell." dennis hops off the pool table and goes to retrieve his jacket on a bar stool. mac follows.

"sometimes i just- i mean, what we do, is it wrong?" mac questions, not expecting to receive a real answer from dennis. "it feels so sinful." mac could nearly hurl.

"babe," dennis says, voice low, almost a growl. "if what we do feels sinful to you," he steps closer to mac, slowly, their faces inches apart and dennis' breath it hot and smells like smoke and beer and disappointment. "you must love dancing with the devil." 

dennis swirls around and leaves the bar after that, coat draping over one shoulder.  
mac throws up for an hour after. 

 

[2007]

the pool table shenanigans end after about a year. mac doesn't care, or he tells himself he doesn't. but as long as dennis is still by his side, and still laughs with him and drinks beer with him and runs a damn bar with, mac guesses that he can't complain. 

sometimes mac thinks, or maybe pretends, that dennis stares at him. that he looks at mac's lips, ready to commit all new sins.  
sometimes mac pretends it doesn't phase him.  
sometimes mac goes home and showers it all away. sometimes mac goes home and pretends crying about is still manly. sometimes mac gets himself off in the shower to dennis kissing him at 18 years old because he thinks that's the closest to god mac has ever been. 

sometimes he wonders if he and dennis can still be anything they want. 

sometimes he wonders if he'll ever kiss a girl again and feel something other than dennis' warmth.  
but it's okay, it's okay because the sun still shines as long as dennis still wears dumb button ups, still cuffs his jeans at the bottom, as long as dennis still laughs at mac's lame jokes and gets drunk off his ass with him.

and it's okay if mac makes out with girls and wants them to be dennis. 

and when mac can hear dennis fucking a girl in the room over, mac pretends that dennis wishes it was him. 

 

[2009] [era: mac & dennis break up]

this is the year of passion, of lustful glances, of getting drunk as hell every night and coming home to map out each other bodies' with all tongue and all teeth.  
this is the year mac refuses to shower dennis away every night.  
the beginning of the year is a dream, even if dennis isn't really his.  
this is the year mac and dennis have it all in their pathetic apartment. this is the year of "accidentally" falling asleep on one another while watching action movies. the year of sharing popcorn in the same bowl as an excuse for hands to brush. a year of carefree make out sessions on a leather couch. mac loves dancing with the devil and dennis loves making mac feel holy.  
the beginning of the year is good, yeah.

until it's not.

"mac, you're being dramatic." dennis insists, perching himself up in bed onto his elbows. he's trying to remain calm in mac's frenzy. mac is sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. 

"i can't do this anymore, dennis. why don't you get your head out of your ass and just fucking listen to anything i'm saying for once in your life?"  
"yeah, exactly my point. dramatic." dennis retorts back.

mac shoots of the bed. "what the fuck, dennis?"

"can you just come back to bed and we can forget about whatever you're pissy about? i know i'm not a bad kisser, and i know you like it, so there's no issue." dennis says with a tilt of his head. 

mac huffs out an angry breath. "i don't wanna kiss you, dennis. not when you're just - you're only here when you want to be, and when you're not fucking some girl that pleases you more than i can. i cant do this when you're on another fucking planet and i'm here just chasing you like a puppy every time." he spits it out in nearly one breath. "i can't - god damnit. i cant even be in the same room as you. i cant look at you just knowing everything i'm saying is going in one ear and right out the other."

it's a big fight. dennis doesn't recall a time mac has talked this much, or hell, even cared this fucking much. why does he care so fucking much? dennis doesn't care. not caring is easier. he's never seen mac so worked up about them before. and watching him vent like that, yeah, that's what the end of the world looks like to dennis. that's what an apocalypse looks like. and dennis is caught in it. 

"mac, that's absurd." he lies.

mac's stare burns into dennis' skin. "whatever, dude. i'm going to charlie's."

dennis chuckles. "okay, buddy. have fun getting high off of glue."

it's rips mac's insides apart. he feels his lungs fall into his stomach. he feels the sun crash onto the ground. he doesn't feel real. is dennis even real? is dennis a personified sin, just looking to expose who he really is to God? 

so mac leaves. he doesn't go to charlie's. he goes to a random bar and he thinks he cries and he thinks he gets so fucking drunk and the alcohol is starting to taste like the part of dennis' skin, right under his ear. 

back at the apartment, dennis contemplates everything into seven shots of some disgusting hard liquor. dennis thinks he calls mac, thinks he leaves mac a few voicemails, thinks he cries a little when he hears mac's perky, pre-recorded voice on the other end. dennis thinks he crawls into one of mac's old sweatshirts from high school. 

but dennis knows for sure mac does come crawling home at four in the morning. knows for sure that mac wraps his arms around dennis' waist. knows for sure that mac's drunk, that he's warm, that he's safe and real. 

"how was charlie's?" dennis asks, voice sluggish and raw. 

"didn't go."

"i know." 

"okay."

dennis feels mac's fingers trail along his hip bones and he wants to scream and laugh and cry because when will they ever fucking get it right? maybe mac and dennis are destined to be the moon and the sun, constantly trying to chase each other. never really together. 

"mac?"

"mm."

a pause, an intake of breath. and then, 

"nothing."

"okay."

it's always fucking nothing. dennis wonders when he'll feel something. 

 

[2012]

it's okay not to eat for three days. it's okay, because as long as dennis is standing, it's probably fine.  
but he looks frail and disgusting and awful and tired and mac wants to drag him home and make him eat a christmas dinner. mac wants dennis to not feel like this is the right way to feel okay.

dennis is usually good at keeping control. he makes sure not to faint, not to cause a scene, not to go too far. 

finally collapsing in their kitchen is what kills mac.

he feels like he's in some drama film, as he immediately drops to dennis', who is sprawled on the tile.  
"oh, god damnit. dennis? dennis!" he exclaims. he shoots up and hurries to the sink, grabbing a probably dirty cup from the sink and overflowing it with tap water.  
he lets droplets of it fall onto dennis' face, and cradles his head on his knees. "den?"

mac feels like a fucking child. he can already predict dennis making fun of him when he comes to. but mac imagines a day when maybe dennis goes too far and doesn't wake up and mac doesn't fucking care if dennis wants to laugh later. dennis' eyes flutter open after a minute.

"god, fuck," he groans. mac nearly shoves the cup of water down dennis' throat. 

"jesus god damn fucking christ, dennis. what the hell? drink this. now," mac insists, prodding dennis' lips with the cup once again. dennis moans again and attempts to sit up. he manages enough, grabbing onto one of mac's shoulders, hoisting himself up to sit. he accepts the cup and takes slow, small sips. he looks like a corpse. mac fights the urge to call an ambulance. 

"dennis, jesus. when was the last time you ate?" mac nearly yells. 

"mmm....three days ago, maybe? shit." dennis' voice is hoarse. 

"god, fuck you. fuck you for scaring me like that, dude. stay here, okay? drink that water, or i'll kick your ass. i'm getting you some food." mac stands up and dennis clutches onto his shirt right away. 

"no. please just - you know, just stay." dennis looks down at the cup of water like it's the most interesting thing on the planet. he's still clutching mac's shirt although he hasn't moved yet. mac sighs.  
"come on, buddy. you're going to bed, you're gonna be fine and i'm gonna make you some bomb food." dennis is still staring into the tap water in the cup. 

"this - this doesn't usually happen. i feel so - pathetic or something." 

"i know, den. come on. lets just go to bed. you're not pathetic, you've just got to eat more." mac tugs on dennis' arm. "let's go," he insists, a little softer this time. dennis gets up on shaky legs, clutching mac and clutching the cup like a lifeline. once dennis is in bed and has finished the cup of water, mac goes to make something easy, something for dennis' stomach to handle. he grabs some toast and peels an apple and gets more water. 

when he comes back, dennis looks fragile and vulnerable curled around himself. mac prays that getting him to eat won't turn into one of dennis' tantrums.  
"hey, bud. i got some food, and i don't wanna hear complaining."

"fine." dennis mumbles. he manages to sit up against the headrest and accepts the plate of food from mac.  
he goes through it in small, picky bites. he's silent and mac doesn't care. he doesn't know what to say. he's got one thing on his mind: "i can't live without you." 

when dennis finishes the "meal" he places the plate on his nightstand. 

"you're not pathetic, den." mac says as dennis nuzzles back into the bed. 

"no, i am. but i'm glad you pretend i'm not." dennis mumbles back. 

dennis doesn't faint in front of mac after that ever again. mac likes to think it's because dennis actually eats breakfast and lunch now, but knows in reality dennis plans his meals before he sees mac to avoid the situation again.  
but dennis could faint in front of mac once a day and mac wouldn't find any part of dennis pathetic at all.  
mac is terrified because dennis could kill him and mac would never put him and pathetic in the same sentence together. 

mac wonders if dennis knows no matter how much or how little he ate, mac would be gone for him anyways.

dennis slowly learns to accept mac's help. slowly learns to let mac make him meals, to persuade him to eat. dennis finds it easier to like himself when he sees how much mac maybe likes him. dennis finds it easy to eat disgusting and greasy pizza if mac's with him, if there's a shitty movie on tv and mac is biting his ear or resting a hand on his thigh. dennis wakes up and actually doesn't dread breakfast when mac is seated across from him with his vanilla coffee wafting over to dennis. dennis loves breakfast when mac has bed head, when they intertwine their legs underneath the kitchen table. 

breakfast becomes one of dennis' happiest parts of the day. he doesn't tell mac. mac knows, though, because dennis isn't good at hiding grins behind his coffee mugs. 

 

[2016]

 

dennis doesn't last long in north dakota. 

when dennis comes back, mac wants to hate him. he wants to destroy him, wants to fucking spit in his face or something. 

but he doesn't. not even kind of. 

dennis comes to their apartment with a suitcase and clad in an ugly hoodie, and god, mac can't remember the last time he saw dennis in a hoodie. dennis comes to the door with a look of regret plastered on his face. 

"hey." mac starts. 

he sees dennis swallow. he takes a deep breath, his knuckles turn white gripping the handle of the suitcase. 

"north dakota is fucking awful." dennis states. 

"i can see that, seeing that you're back in philly." mac replies, arms crossed. 

"fuck philly. i was going wherever you happened to be, and you happen to still be here." dennis states blankly. mac wants to melt into him. mac is hit that in this moment, he's fucked for life. forever, he will do whatever dennis wants. even when dennis fucks him over and leaves for a summer, mac will open the door with open arms every time.

"come in, dick." dennis rolls his suitcase in and immediately tosses it to the side, and latches himself to mac. 

"i've been thinking," dennis starts, his arms around mac's neck. mac snakes his arms around dennis and inhales his scent, the scent that's still managed to linger around their apartment the entire time dennis was absent.  
"hmm," mac lets himself melt into dennis finally. after twenty years, he lets himself fall apart in a moment. right now, he doesn't care about the next time dennis starves himself, or the next fight, or the next time dennis wants to pack up everything and leave. right now, he just cares about the sweatshirt dennis is in, that he's now realizing is his. all he cares about is the way dennis is gripping onto his shirt, the way his voice is sending shivers everywhere. 

"i've been thinking i'm gonna marry you. because i fucking want to. and that's that. that's it." his voice is so small and mac wants to ask a million questions. wants to know if dennis started smoking again, if he's been eating, if he's high right now, if he slept with anyone when he was gone.

but there's no time for those questions right now, or maybe ever. 

mac's roaming hands still. he moves his head out of the crook of dennis' neck and forces himself to meet eyes that look too tired. 

"you - you want to what?' mac asks. his hands still, and grip dennis' hips. 

"well, come on, we both live together, and we do everything together, and we've done everything under the sun that couples do, and hey, tax benefits or something right?" dennis persists. 

mac wants to say no. he'd be crazy to say yes. but then his mind wanders to the first time dennis kissed him; how it felt like home. and mac thinks that they could have that again. even in the broken beer bottles, even in the arguments, even when dennis slams the door in his face or doesn't let mac pick the movie. even when they're red in the face screaming at each other. even then, mac thinks the universe would be on their side. 

"marriage." mac states again, as if the concept is foreign to him. 

dennis stares back, and for once, mac doesn't see something sinful. he sees a sunrise peeking over a horizon. dennis kisses mac for the first time in months. it feels like waking up, finally. it feels like rain when it's been ninety degrees for months. dennis feels like snow on christmas. dennis kisses mac like they're both glass. when dennis pulls away, mac understands why he always felt out of place at church. 

"we should get married," mac mumbles against dennis' lips. 

dennis nods. "yeah, and just imagine how angry the gang would be. they're all single fucks. we'd really show them."  
mac grins. "yeah, screw them."

dennis and mac get married in the bar and it's shitty and mac ripped the sleeves off his button up under his tuxedo jacket. what they give can hardly count as vows. dee gags at some point during it. but it's perfect and messy and disgusting just like they've always been. 

dennis and mac still curse and bicker and slam doors and throw bottles.

but every time, dennis manages to get a glimpse of the stupid golden band around his ring finger and finds the will to stop giving a shit and kiss mac to end the chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give me a follow on tumblr : @galacticdennis


End file.
